Worst Idea Ever!

There have been a lot of famous bad decisions over the years.

There have been New Coke, the Edsel, and endergoing fertility therapy to have octuplets, despite the fact that you have no job, and Jar Jar Binks, just to name a few.

But every once in awhile, there is an idea so foolish, and so misguided that no amount of head-scratching can contemplate what someone might have been thinking.

I was in New York City last weekend, and, although I did not see the plane at the time, your government thought it would be a fine idea to fly a VC-25, otherwise known as "Air Force One," while the president is on board, over Manhattan so that the plane could be photographed in front of famous New York landmarks.

I'll say again, your government thought it would be a fine idea to fly a plane, very low, over Manhattan, in order to take pictures of it with landmarks. They thought it was a good idea to remind people of this:

so they could have this:

The idea was so that the White House could give such pictures to give people as gifts and keepsakes. The cost of such an effort has so far been estimated at nearly $329,000. While that amount of money seems like pocket change nowadays, perhaps the worst part about it is that the White House Military Office instructed the FAA not to inform the public about "what it thought would be a higher-flyover by two F-16s, and an Air Force VC-25 aircraft. At one point, the planes were within 1,000 feet of the ground, and 400 feet of the Statue of Liberty.

Quite obviously, a great number of New Yorkers were alarmed. How in the world, did anyone think this was a good idea?

For the record, your president obama was "furious" about the incident and "the confusion it caused." Hey, smartest guy alive: scaring the shit out of thousands of people, does not qualify as "confusion." WH press smart-guy Gibbs told reporters that the White House review of the "incident" wouldn't take more than a couple of weeks, and the president will look at that review and take any appropriate steps after that."

Some idiots even went so far as to say there needs to be some protocol for such "incidents" in the future. So, the next time we decide to do something so stupid as to terrorize our own people, we need to have protocols in place to make sure everyone knows when we are going to do something really stupid. It boggles the mind that such protocols would be needed, much less comtemplated.

My first reaction to this story was to ask why they didn't just Photoshop the plane into whatever scene they wanted to. The New York Daily News is hosting a contest. Some of their entries can be seen here:

The latest, and most fanciest version of Photoshop, costs $699.00. One would think that the way they are throwing money around at the White House, they could easily afford such software.

We are left with only two conclusions: the first is that such a giant screw-up requires doing it on purpose, and if that's the case, why do it? What else is going on, that they have to distract us from? And what will be the next "crying wolf" they will try? Swine Flu perhaps?

New Coke, JarJarBinks, the Edsel, and the octomom were all acts of sheer will. While famously stupid ideas, they were all done on purpose. All of them sounded like good ideas at the time, and later became famously stupid.

Flying a plane, low over Manhattan, just so you could take pictures of it with landmarks, was never even a good idea at the time. It was an idea so stupid that it had to be done on purpose. What's more, your genius president pretended like he didn't know about it. Even if you believe his story, what's worse? The Air Force can conduct such an operation without the President's knowledge, or that the president actually didn't know about it?

When I saw "Star Wars: The Fantom Menace," back in 1999, on its opening night, on my way out of the theater, a reporter with a notebook approached me, and asked me my thoughts about the movie. I told the reporter, "When I am 88 years-old and lying on my death bed, I will pray that God lets me live an additional two hours and thirteen minutes."

I can only hope that there are not a bunch more reasons for me to pray that God lets me live an additional four years.

WTF?

WTF?

When I was a kid in the early and mid 80s, we used words like “awesome,” “cool,” “decent,” “sweet,” and the occasional “rad” or “tubular” to describe things. While these were well understood by our elders, old people did not use such language. Nowadays, these words are well understood by everyone, as I suspect they were back then.

I am writing this from an airplane on Friday afternoon, on my way to the NFL Draft in New York City. To cure my boredom, and to make the strange guy wearing too much Old Spice next to me stop talking, I decided to thumb through the Northwest Airlines/Delta “Sky Magazine.” After passing an article about how to keep score at a baseball game, things to do in Detroit, and several interviews with uninteresting people I’ve never heard of, I stumbled upon a section entitled, “Our World Now.”

It is one of those snarky, society sections meant to look like Maxim or some type of magazine where tons of small nuggets appear on every page, and things run across the bottom of the page and on to the next. It’s been a long time since I graduated from Journalism school, so I don’t remember what that’s called. I read a three-paragraph article about Heidi Klum, a person whom I have heard of, and then turned the page to find a nugget called “The Jargon.”

The nugget begins with this: “Nearly 300 years ago, Benjamin Franklin compiled the Drinkers Dictionary, a list of 229 slang expressions to describe being wrecked/lit/obliterated. Since then, our love of slang has only increased at superluminal/turbo/fast-like-a-ninja speed, fueled by SMS, Skype, Twitter, Facebook, YouTube and other toys/tools of contemporary culture. It then goes on to tell me about some of the latest slang words, none of which I have ever heard of, much less used.

* “Brickberry \BRIK-ber-ee\ noun: The old clunker of a phone you’re using while your iPhone is being repaired.”

I currently use an old IG phone that is nearly two years old, and it is a clunker. After waiting for nearly an hour to buy it at the Verizon store, the salesman kid assured me that it would not break if dropped. I’ve never used a blackberry, and I hope I never own an iPhone. I am fond of saying things like, “Forget how to wipe your ass? There’s an app for that!” and “If you can’t remember where you live, there’s an app for that!.” There should be an app for people to shut up and stop talking on their phone so loudly in public. I’m not interested in your kid’s soccer practice, or what kind of car your husband is driving, much less how long it is until you are coming home.

* “Designated Texter \dez-ig-neyt-ed TEX-ter\ noun: Someone who receives and responds to the driver’s text messages to ensure passenger safety.”

Anyone who is receiving or sending text messages while driving should have their driver license revoked. While it is safe and responsible to appoint a “designated texter” to receive and respond to such messages, it defeats the point. What could possibly be so important that you can’t wait until your destination before you receive and respond to your text messages? Could it be “SWT, C U THERE.” Or “K CALL LATR.” Why do you constantly have to be in contact with everyone? Shut up and drive. I have a feeling that such people probably drive minivans, and have three kids in the back, each watching their own DVD player showing WALL-E, because looking out the window or reading a book is far too boring on the way to soccer practice. For the record, I feel the same about designated drivers. If you’re going out drinking, call a cab, and have him take you TO the bar, as well as FROM the bar. It costs the same as that last round of drinks at the end of the night, which you really didn’t need anyway.

* “DLS \dee-el-ess\ noun: A prime piece of personal info (Dirty Little Secret) you share only with your BFF (Best Friend Forever).”

This one is too easy. The whole point of using letters to abbreviate things, or to use acronyms, is to make it shorter and easier to say. For example, if you were talking about the space shuttle, you would say, “Dude! When is NASA going to launch another Space Shuttle?” You would not say, “Good day to you sir, might you know when the National Aeronautics and Space Administration is going to propel another Space Shuttle into orbit?”
“DLS” contains the same number of syllables as “dirty little secret.” Same for BFF. It takes exactly the same amount of time to say, and the only reason I can conceive of using this one is if you were sending a text message while driving your kids to soccer practice. (See above).

* “Good Talk \GOOD-tawk\ adjective, noun; Easy end to a conversation between two straight guys when things get too personal.”

This one I actually like, but I’m not sure why they have to be straight guys. I’m not sure, but I figure gay guys talk about things too. When you are in the cab on the way to the bar, and your buddy turns to you and says, “Ha-ha! I just texted my old next-door-neighbor that I shit my pants, and posted it to his Twitter,” you can say, “Good Talk,” and turn away. You might also say, “TMI!” which stands for “too much information.”

* “Textrovert \TEX-trow-vert\ noun: Someone who’s comfortable revealing emotion via his or her thumbs.”

Anyone who is more comfortable revealing emotions with their thumbs should be hitchhiking. And when someone picks you up, make sure you offer to use your brickberry to become their designated texter, while they receive DLSs, from their BFFs while you are riding in the car. Drivers who pick up hitchhikers always appreciate that.
* * *

The plane has begun its decent, and the stewardess, er, excuse me, flight attendant is giving me the eye to put away my laptop. I hope you have found this little excursion into hip slang to be interesting and not a “good talk.” I know Ben Franklin would think so.

More from New York City to follow. Have a great weekend one and all!

Rooting For The Away Team Part II

In the 2008 election, voters weren't really concerned with tax hikes. This is largely because of the irrational, emotional attachment most people found with obama, and because of an historical fact.
The fifteen years between your President Clinton's 1993 tax hike, and obama's cigarette February 2009 tax hike, it was the longest ever time between federal tax hikes.
Even the Bush tax cuts of 2001, (see below) cut people from the rolls, and little did we know what that would wrought. But first the cigarette tax hike.
Most people think it's fine to raise taxes on cigarettes. I don't smoke cigarettes, so I shouldn't care, right?
Consider this: Each year, the number of people who smoke goes down. When you raise the cigarrette tax, the number of people who smoke goes down even faster. Eventually, the amount of money collected by the cigarrete tax goes down. To make up for this "shortfall," they must raise taxes on something else.
When they raise taxes on cigarrettes, it eventually hits everyone else too.

* * *

Back in 1994 Lambeau Field, Gary lit his cigarrette, and smoked proudly, as he spoke to his son about Bart Starr and Eddie Lee Ivory. He even blew smoke into the air, which I, no doubt may have ingested. He finished his cigarrette, and lit another. No one thought anything of it, as he opened yet another Miller High Life, to feed his beer belly.

* * *

When former President Bush succeded in getting his tax cuts passed in 2001, he had no idea what would become of that. In essence, he cut nearly 13 million people from the federal tax rolls. Thirteen million people, who used to pay taxes, now, don't. In fact, many of those people now get much of jackflak's money in the form of a refund. I'm sure Bush never realized how many Democrat voters he was creating by doing that.

I spent my "rebate" on a treadmill, and am proud to say that I have lost 23 pounds since January 1st. In any case, we need more taxpayers, not fewer..

obama has promised to let those Bush tax cuts expire in 2011, which will let Democrats avoid a difficult vote. When this tax cut expires, it will amount to a tax increase on a lot of people. Many of those people will no doubt be obama voters.

The obama budget will boost federal spending more than 25%, and nearly triple the national debt over ten years. This is funny, considering candidate obama promised exactly the opposite. But all politcians lie, right?

* * *

Meanwhile, back in 1994 Lambeau Field, Gary told me that he was for sure fired up about the "Contract With America." Finally, Gary thought, some guys in Washington might do, one thing, that he wanted.

* * *

They did. And when Republicans won a resounding election in 1994, the media called it a "takeover." As if people ran up to the steps of the Capitol with guns in their hands.

Part III Coming Soon!!

Rooting For The Away Team - - Part I

The NFL Schedule just came out on Tuesday, and when it does, it's a huge deal to figure out when Green Bay Weekend is. You have to get on a hotel reservation early, otherwise, you can't get a decent room when you go to Green Bay to watch the Vikings vs. Packers.
My first ever such trip was in Week One of 1994. A really generous gal I once dated got us tickets to the game. I was geeked. It was Warren Moon's first game as starter for the Vikings, and I was convinced we would have a great team. Suffice it to say, Moon played terribly, throwing three INTs, and the Vikings lost 16-10. It was just Brett Favre's third year as starter for the Packers. Come to think of it, it was my first time going to an away Vikings' game (other than at the Silverdome). Other than the outcome of the game, I had a blast, and even got to meet Bob Lurtzema. (The forgotten Purple People Eater.)

On the way back to the car, I made the foolish mistake of stopping to use the facilities. Quite obviously, my horns and braids were not very popular in the Lambeau Field restroom, and several people let me know it. I took the good natured ribbing, and stepped up when it was my turn. While I was relieving myself, a drunken Packers' fan stepped up, out of line, and grabbed me by the shoulder and threw me down. This caused me to urinate all over myself, as I fell on my back. I quickly drew my pants and made out of there, as I did not want to engage in fisticuffs. That would surely end in police involvement, because I was very angry.
As I scurried away, I came upon a group of forlorn, shame-faced Vikings' fans, who were gathered around their car. One of them blew a horn at me, and motioned for me to come over. As I approached, another guy handed me a beer, and we comisserated for a while. I remember how good it felt, walking up to them, as I would soon get to share my frustration with like-minded people. "Man that Warren Moon sucks!," he said. "Have you ever seen Cris Carter drop so many balls?," asked another. I thanked them for the beer, shook my head, and moved on.

* * *

Yesterday was tax day. And, like many Americans, I decided it would be a good idea to attend my local, so-called "Tea Party" here in Lansing. It was held in front of the State Capitol, which is about 2 1/2 miles from my home. I had previously attended the earlier "Tea Party," and I heard it was going to attract many more people this year.

I also couldn't help myself, since I am a hate-filled automoton, who only watches Fox News, and listens to talk radio all day long.

Also, I thought it would be a good opportunity to get Bella out for a walk. It would have been faster for us to walk the 2 1/2 miles from my house to the Capitol, as, even though I left more than thirty minutes ahead of time, there was nowhere to park. We ended up walking nearly one mile to get there. Bella was happy to make such a walk, as all the people, with their signs and all the traffic was interesting and exciting.

When we arrived in front of the event, there were already thousands of people there. The crowd was nearly 5,000.

I had never been to a full-out protest before. I had seen them at Michigan State, but I had never been in the middle of one. And then it hit me, I had gone there, not to just be part of the crowd, but to comisserate with like-minded people, and share my frustrations at out-of-control government spending.
I recently formed my own business, and had just written a check to "U.S. Treasury" that I could barely afford to pay.


If you own your own business in Michigan these days, you pay 28% to the feds, 15% for Social Security (also Uncle Sam) 4% to the State of Michigan, and 1% to the City of Lansing. And for what? What do I get out of it?
For years, I have joked about how someone should have to pay for that new fancy school they built in my backyard, that all the kids I don't have aren't going to.
But seriously, what's in it for me?
The city rarely plows my street, my car has gotten keyed, and people stole my flags right off my flagpole. But then, arabs don't fly into some building I'm in and kill me, so I guess I got that going for me.













But roughly, I have confiscated $0.48 of every dollar I work and travel very hard for, and for what?

* * *

Meanwhile, back in 1994 Green Bay, I finally arrived back at the car. The father and son, who were tailgating next to us, we relishing in their precious Packer's victory. As I reached in our now-empty cooler, I heard the father remark to his son, "Son!, my dad gave me these Packers' tickets, and someday, I will give them to you."'

"Aw, thanks Dad," the son sighed. The worst part about it was, the son was in his forties. Or maybe just his beer belly and tired face made him look in his forties. In any case, this Taster's Choice moment between guys made me want to puke.

* * *

Back at the rally, the speaker announced that everyone was to take out their cellphones, and we were all going to call the capitol switchboard and tell them what we thought about out-of-control government spending. I decided I would not call, since obviously that amount of calls placed at the same time would not work. I have been to many MSU tailgates in the past. Whilewe rarely beat Michigan, everyone takes out their phone and calls their third-cousin they never talk to to tell them we just beat Michigan.

In any case, as I watched everyone doing this, I felt the same sense of pride I felt back in 1994 Green Bay. Only this time, for a short part of the afternoon, WE were the home team. After several more chants of "U.S.A. U.S.A.!" and so on, none other than Joe The Plumber himself rose to the podium. He gave his usual shpiel, and was rushed away, as I am sure he had several other such events around the country to attend.

After I talked with several people there, I figured I had better go back home and finish typing some reports for work. After all, I had work to do. If I didn't earn all that money that the government was stealing from me, what would be the point? And, no Vikings' fans were offering me a beer, so Bella and I went home. She was becoming frightened by the crowd and the noise. I didn't figure a fearsome pitbull would get scared, but she was. I, too was scared, at how I was going to pay for my tax bill. I took a bunch of pictures:

* * *

Back in 1994 Lambeau Field, I was ushered back in the car. My disappointment at Warren Moon's poor performance, and the Vikings' loss were falling on deaf ears. I had spent so much time, and some money at attending this event, and no one seemed to care, save for the few Vikings' fans I had met.

* * *

Part Two Coming Soon! !