The Mortgage Mess Shtick

Years ago when I still waited tables at The Peanut Barrel, and long before “The Big Lebowski” would come out on VHS, we used to watch “Good Will Hunting” on video quite a bit.

One of my favorite scenes, where Will has a job interview with the N.S.A., led me to develop a shtick to answer the age-old question, “Why don’t you have matches that say ‘The Peanut Barrel’ on them?” Regular customers got to know it, and each time someone at the next table would ask, they would roll their eyes, as if to say, “Oh, here we go, . …”

The shtick went something like this: “You want to know why we don’t have matches that say ‘The Peanut Barrel’ on them? Well, let’s say you’re leaving The Peanut Barrel, and you and you’re friends have just finished three or four pitchers of Sam Adams’, and maybe because I’m busy, I didn’t notice that you had just drank a bunch of shots down the street at Rick’s. And maybe on your way home, you’re starting to think you should have walked, since you only live down on Gunson Street, and there’s no reason to drive in the first place, but you’re already in the car, so,. . . BOOM! And that’s when it happens, you swerve to miss some children playing in the street, and your car crashes into a telephone pole, and the pole falls over and crushes the children playing in the street, and when the jaws of life pry your lifeless body from the car, what falls out?, matches that read ‘The Peanut Barrel’ on them. Where do you think the police are going to go first? Now Joe’s going to have to fire me, he’s probably going to get a huge fine, and liquor license suspension, which maybe causes the bar to have to close down. Now, all these people over here have no favorite place to hang out in, and I can’t pay my cable bill, because I no longer have a job, and can’t afford all the lawyers, and so, now, I don’t know if the Twins beat the White Sox or not tonight, all because YOU, wanted matches that say ‘The Peanut Barrel’ on them. Now, I ask you, do you think it is worth it? Because I don’t. Here’s your blank matches.”

Of course that wasn’t the real reason, but it was funny, and once in awhile, it resulted in a larger tip than I otherwise would have received from some fratty-tatty jerkoffs.

I was in another neighborhood bar recently, and I overheard some people at the next table expertly discussing the current economic “crisis” and what part the “mortgage meltdown” plays in it. After blaming President Bush for everything, they eventually began to talk about how obama was the answer to their prayers.

I wanted to turn to them, and give them some shtick, and it would go a little something like this: “You think it’s a great idea that everyone should own their own home, right? Well in 1977 Congress and President Carter thought so too, and misinterpreting economic conditions at the time, they passed something called the Community Reinvestment Act, which required banks to make higher-risk loans to those in poorer neighborhoods. So-called “community organizations” like ACORN hounded banks and financial institutions, charging them with racism if they wouldn’t make certain loans. In 1989, Congress and President G.H.W. Bush strengthened the act, pretending it was banking reform to issue a rating system for banks’ compliance with the act. This made it easier for the ACORNs of the world to further hound, and intimidate banks into more risky loans. In 1992, Congress and President G.H.W. Bush signed the

Federal Housing Enterprises Financial Safety and Soundness Act of 1992, which mandated that Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac make a certain percentage of their loans to high-risk borrowers, all in the name of “fairness.” Then, in 1994, Congress and President Clinton passed the Riegle-Neal Interstate Banking and Branching Efficiency Act of 1994, which used a bank’s CRA rating to decide whether or not banks could merge, or open branches in other states. The ACORNs of the world make a huge stink, and public hearings were held on bank mergers and branch openings, further strong-arming banks to make even more risky loans. In 1997, Bear Stearns (remember them?) issued the first mortgage-backed securities, which were oversold, and overvalued. More and more of these securities were bought and sold by banks, and were next to worthless, partly because the default rate was increasing faster than interest rates were. Speculators took advantage of loose lending practices, and tried to flip houses before their rates increased. Counties, facing huge budget deficits, and a huge number of transactions, began to overvalue properties, in order to raise tax revenue. Eventually people began to default. Lenders and those who bought these bogus securities came back to the government with their hands out to have these loans guaranteed by the government. And now, these people who were goaded into making loans they knew to be bad at the time are getting hundreds of billions of dollars of taxpayer money, my house is now worth less than what I owe on it, and those of us who played by the rules, bought only the house we could afford, and paid our bills are getting royally screwed, all because YOU wanted some poor people to own a home, who didn’t deserve it.”

When one drastically changes the rules because he wants to do something to make himself feel better, without regard for the consequences, nothing good comes of it.

Sure, it sounds like a reach, but it’s just like Will Hunting said at the end of that interview: “I’m holdin’ out for somethin’ better. I figure I’ll eliminate the middle man. Why not just shoot my buddy, take his job and give it to his sworn enemy, hike up gas prices, bomb a village, club a baby seal, hit the hash pipe and join the National Guard? Christ, I could be elected President.”