WTF?

WTF?

When I was a kid in the early and mid 80s, we used words like “awesome,” “cool,” “decent,” “sweet,” and the occasional “rad” or “tubular” to describe things. While these were well understood by our elders, old people did not use such language. Nowadays, these words are well understood by everyone, as I suspect they were back then.

I am writing this from an airplane on Friday afternoon, on my way to the NFL Draft in New York City. To cure my boredom, and to make the strange guy wearing too much Old Spice next to me stop talking, I decided to thumb through the Northwest Airlines/Delta “Sky Magazine.” After passing an article about how to keep score at a baseball game, things to do in Detroit, and several interviews with uninteresting people I’ve never heard of, I stumbled upon a section entitled, “Our World Now.”

It is one of those snarky, society sections meant to look like Maxim or some type of magazine where tons of small nuggets appear on every page, and things run across the bottom of the page and on to the next. It’s been a long time since I graduated from Journalism school, so I don’t remember what that’s called. I read a three-paragraph article about Heidi Klum, a person whom I have heard of, and then turned the page to find a nugget called “The Jargon.”

The nugget begins with this: “Nearly 300 years ago, Benjamin Franklin compiled the Drinkers Dictionary, a list of 229 slang expressions to describe being wrecked/lit/obliterated. Since then, our love of slang has only increased at superluminal/turbo/fast-like-a-ninja speed, fueled by SMS, Skype, Twitter, Facebook, YouTube and other toys/tools of contemporary culture. It then goes on to tell me about some of the latest slang words, none of which I have ever heard of, much less used.

* “Brickberry \BRIK-ber-ee\ noun: The old clunker of a phone you’re using while your iPhone is being repaired.”

I currently use an old IG phone that is nearly two years old, and it is a clunker. After waiting for nearly an hour to buy it at the Verizon store, the salesman kid assured me that it would not break if dropped. I’ve never used a blackberry, and I hope I never own an iPhone. I am fond of saying things like, “Forget how to wipe your ass? There’s an app for that!” and “If you can’t remember where you live, there’s an app for that!.” There should be an app for people to shut up and stop talking on their phone so loudly in public. I’m not interested in your kid’s soccer practice, or what kind of car your husband is driving, much less how long it is until you are coming home.

* “Designated Texter \dez-ig-neyt-ed TEX-ter\ noun: Someone who receives and responds to the driver’s text messages to ensure passenger safety.”

Anyone who is receiving or sending text messages while driving should have their driver license revoked. While it is safe and responsible to appoint a “designated texter” to receive and respond to such messages, it defeats the point. What could possibly be so important that you can’t wait until your destination before you receive and respond to your text messages? Could it be “SWT, C U THERE.” Or “K CALL LATR.” Why do you constantly have to be in contact with everyone? Shut up and drive. I have a feeling that such people probably drive minivans, and have three kids in the back, each watching their own DVD player showing WALL-E, because looking out the window or reading a book is far too boring on the way to soccer practice. For the record, I feel the same about designated drivers. If you’re going out drinking, call a cab, and have him take you TO the bar, as well as FROM the bar. It costs the same as that last round of drinks at the end of the night, which you really didn’t need anyway.

* “DLS \dee-el-ess\ noun: A prime piece of personal info (Dirty Little Secret) you share only with your BFF (Best Friend Forever).”

This one is too easy. The whole point of using letters to abbreviate things, or to use acronyms, is to make it shorter and easier to say. For example, if you were talking about the space shuttle, you would say, “Dude! When is NASA going to launch another Space Shuttle?” You would not say, “Good day to you sir, might you know when the National Aeronautics and Space Administration is going to propel another Space Shuttle into orbit?”
“DLS” contains the same number of syllables as “dirty little secret.” Same for BFF. It takes exactly the same amount of time to say, and the only reason I can conceive of using this one is if you were sending a text message while driving your kids to soccer practice. (See above).

* “Good Talk \GOOD-tawk\ adjective, noun; Easy end to a conversation between two straight guys when things get too personal.”

This one I actually like, but I’m not sure why they have to be straight guys. I’m not sure, but I figure gay guys talk about things too. When you are in the cab on the way to the bar, and your buddy turns to you and says, “Ha-ha! I just texted my old next-door-neighbor that I shit my pants, and posted it to his Twitter,” you can say, “Good Talk,” and turn away. You might also say, “TMI!” which stands for “too much information.”

* “Textrovert \TEX-trow-vert\ noun: Someone who’s comfortable revealing emotion via his or her thumbs.”

Anyone who is more comfortable revealing emotions with their thumbs should be hitchhiking. And when someone picks you up, make sure you offer to use your brickberry to become their designated texter, while they receive DLSs, from their BFFs while you are riding in the car. Drivers who pick up hitchhikers always appreciate that.
* * *

The plane has begun its decent, and the stewardess, er, excuse me, flight attendant is giving me the eye to put away my laptop. I hope you have found this little excursion into hip slang to be interesting and not a “good talk.” I know Ben Franklin would think so.

More from New York City to follow. Have a great weekend one and all!